Abortion saved my life once, but is my life worthy in the eyes of men?

A trauma tale by Carolina Bradilli

I never wanted to be a mother, when I say this sentence in 2022, people still get shocked and insist on convincing me otherwise. “You will want it, you MUST want it.” It is unbearable to put up with this speech.

I love children, I admire people who chose motherhood as their path, but it’s just not for me– at least not right now, it’s something I never wanted. Is it too much pressure that I might change my mind? Perhaps. But for now I remain strong in my choice. I’ve always had the same recurring nightmare since I was 8 years old where I opened an envelope, I’m pregnant, and it’s irreversible. Every time I woke up from this nightmare, the relief I felt that it wasn’t true was indescribable. The reason why this dream is recurring is because the patriarchal society keeps pressuring me until I no longer have the strength to keep my decisions standing– “You’re going to die alone” “You will never know what the greatest love is” “You’ll never be complete” “You’re selfish”.

Eight billion people in an overcrowded world where mass shootings happen every day, pandemics, natural resources running out, all kinds of emotional pressures and mental health issues, a one bedroom apartment costing approximately 1 million dollars, thousands of children abandoned in orphanages, but I, who don’t want to reproduce, am the crazy selfish person.

One day, relief didn’t come. My breasts began to swell, my period was delayed and I received the test result in the dreaded envelope: I was pregnant. At the time, me and my boyfriend didn’t have any desire or vocation for this role; we hugged each other, cried and tried to understand what was coming next.

Upon arriving in the ultrasound room, while the doctor looked at the monitor– her terrified expression was undisguised. She looked at me, looked at the monitor and couldn’t get the words out. She did several blood tests, confirmed the pregnancy, but dismissed me and asked me to come back in a week, because something didn’t seem right.

That was the worst week of my life, in the middle of a pandemic with a bomb this size. As an immigrant, I didn’t even have a blood relative around to talk to. I just cried non-stop all day. The…